Archive for the Other voices category

Wrong number #4

“Con­science, my old chum, my bos­om buddy, my pal, my con­fid­ant, my … so how the dev­il are you? And more to the point, where in the name of all that’s holy have you been, eh? Eh? Eh? I have been doing some frankly sick­en­ingly depraved and despic­able things, many of which would make your […]

This isn’t a comedy quiz show, is it?

“Well, I — I — I — I, gosh, May­or. I’m the may­or. The may­or of Lon­don. Like Dick Whit­ting­ton. How abso­lutely. Yes. Lon­don. Great city. Cradle of — of — of — of — some­thing great. Not sure what. But great, non­ethe­less. Mod­ern demo­cracy and, erm, civil­isa­tion. Or was that Rome? Itali­an res­taur­ant. Yum, […]

Wrong number #3

“Ah yes, good even­ing. Can I order for col­lec­tion? Thanks. I’d like one no.39, please — egg foo yung. One no.73 — the kung po chick­en. Two 137’s — that’s the extra spe­cial fried rice with extra rice and the extra spe­cial, um, stuff. You know, the stuff I like on it? Oh, I’ve no […]

The aliens live amongst us

“Ali­ens, mostly. Def­in­itely the ali­ens. Jehovah’s Wit­nesses, homo­sexu­als, les­bi­ans. I wouldn’t be too sure about the Muslims, though I don’t object to them myself, you under­stand. You just can’t be too care­ful, can you? But you can’t say I’m not fair, because an Amer­ic­an on the street would, well, you know. I just wouldn’t know […]

Wrong number #2

“For­give me, Fath­er, for I have sinned. It has been thirty-six years, three months and nine­teen days since my last con­fes­sion. Yes, sorry about that. All I remem­ber is a dark tun­nel, a sud­den blind­ing light, and then a smack on the arse fol­lowed by a lot of cry­ing and howl­ing, and after that everything […]

Wrong number #1

“Hello, is that the Buddhist Chant Peace and Reas­sur­ance Helpline? I’m so glad I’ve got through to you, because I’m des­per­ately in need of some reas­sur­ance. Maybe if you could chant to me quietly whilst I sit here cross-legged with my eyes closed and then … what? What do you mean? At this time of […]

One and one and one

“Take that bloke next door, for instance. That bloke next door … I mean, I don’t object to him. Barely know him, in fact. But you know, it’s just some­thing. Some­thing about him. You get that feel­ing, don’t you? I hear him ham­mer­ing on the wall ’til late, and then when he sees me in […]