Archive for the Media category

Fame puts you there where things are hollow

This morn­ing, I woke up, wiped the sleep from my blood­shot eyes, and decided that I was going to be fam­ous. Now. Now I’m fam­ous. There. I became fam­ous in the same moment that I typed the word ‘now’. At this pre­cise point in time, right this minute, I am a legend. A legend in […]

Everything is just utter, utter …

Though I nev­er ‘talk non­sense’, of course. Nor have I ever been known to ‘act in a trivi­al or inef­fect­ive way’. Well, only very occa­sion­ally.

Sad, pathetic charity case

Ladies and gen­tle­men, I want to intro­duce you to Steph­en. Steph­en is a piti­ful young man who is suf­fer­ing. I’m sure you can tell that, just by look­ing at his pho­to­graph on the right. He is suf­fer­ing from a ter­rible afflic­tion, with which he is afflic­ted twenty-four hours a day, sev­en days a week, three […]

I is well red (sic)

I have been tagged. Need­less to say, this is not because I am lying on a slab of gran­ite in the indus­tri­al con­crete sur­round­ings of a freez­ing cold mor­tu­ary, with a piece of yel­low­ing card attached to my big toe and a frown­ing patho­lo­gist lean­ing over my corpse to exam­ine the con­tents of my stom­ach […]

Sex sells, but it doesn’t spell

As an emin­ent blog­ging type per­son who is on the A-list — oh sorry, that should read “on a list” — I often receive emails from com­pan­ies wish­ing to take advant­age of some of the passing trade that might be provided by you, my huge ret­in­ue of ardent, swoon­ing and no doubt excep­tion­ally moist read­ers. […]

Commercial break

Today is a truly moment­ous day for An Unre­li­able Wit­ness. But enough about me. For­get for a moment that this is my site, all about me. I know it’s dif­fi­cult, but try. Just this once, please. I’m beg­ging and implor­ing you. I know that I am an end­lessly fas­cin­at­ing top­ic of con­ver­sa­tion, so I prom­ise […]

Web two point oh Christ almighty

Wanted: Social Affairs Man­ager to take day-to-day respons­ib­il­ity for main­ten­ance and upkeep of my Face­book, Twit­ter, Last.fm and Flickr accounts, ensur­ing that all are reg­u­larly updated with fre­quent and, above all, scin­til­lat­ing new con­tent to make the sub­ject appear great­er than the sum of his rather unin­spir­ing parts. Exper­i­ence desir­able. Salary nego­ti­able. Bene­fits neg­li­gible. Apply […]

Oh, to be ubiquitous …

In what would undoubtedly be just a cheap and pale imit­a­tion of an idea first thought up by Andre Jordan of Andre Jordan fame, I am think­ing of tak­ing up dood­ling and have today myself bought a pack­et of felt tip pens. Watch out, world. Er, no, that’s not right. I mean, in a heart­felt […]

Never mind the quality, feel the niche

Due to both a lack of inspir­a­tion and a lack of words — though regret­tably not a lack of infuri­at­ing and utterly ridicu­lous made-up terms that I seem to keep spot­ting in vari­ous art­icles scattered through­out the pop­u­lar press — I present the fol­low­ing list of new buzz phrases con­cern­ing the highly dubi­ous pas­time of […]

All hail the Happiness Tsar

There are many things that keep me awake at night. Fore­most amongst these, obvi­ously, are the warped thoughts and ima­gin­ings of my own dis­eased mind. Then there is the con­cerned voice of my social con­science, fret­ting about the future of the human race and wheth­er the plan­et is doomed to dis­ap­pear forever in a cough­ing […]

Window of irritation

There now fol­lows a cru­cial explan­a­tion as to why I don’t take part in memes. And it’s not just because I’m still some­what uncer­tain about wheth­er the infuri­at­ing word is cor­rectly pro­nounced as mee-mee, meh-may or meem. The latest meme (sigh) to over­take the world of blog­ging appears to be an indul­gent but frankly unwise […]

Warning: may contain nuts

First, a pre­amble. My apo­lo­gies that the fol­low­ing is going to be one of those entries that undoubtedly ends up as noth­ing more than a bit­ter, vitu­per­at­ive, slap my hand to my brow in exas­per­a­tion attack on all things blog and web-related. Some tar­gets, how­ever, are too obvi­ous to res­ist. Indeed, some tar­gets pos­it­ively beg […]

When Irish eyes are smiling

In a con­cer­ted effort to avoid examin­ing my navel quite so much — delight­ful though it is, and no doubt filled with the most deli­cious rem­nants of fluff (no, I haven’t tasted it, I prom­ise) — I am going to endeav­our, just occa­sion­ally, to cast my eyes bey­ond the four walls of my fifth floor […]

Technical hic

Unac­cus­tomed as I am to provid­ing either links to oth­er con­tent on the web (so old-fash­ioned, and I know you’d much rather read my form­less, ill-sup­­por­ted prose instead) or entries about mat­ters of a geeky tech­nic­al nature, I thought I should draw your atten­tion to some import­ant inform­a­tion con­cern­ing the emer­gency action to take if […]

How to abandon a USP, in one easy lesson

Look closely, and you might notice some­thing dif­fer­ent. If you arrived at this URL expect­ing to find this site’s usu­al front page con­tain­ing links to three blogs — Writ­ing, Scrib­bling and Enga­ging — then your eyes are not deceiv­ing you. An Unre­li­able Wit­ness is now just one blog. How very main­stream and tra­di­tion­al of me. […]

Buy buy buy! Bye bye!

It’s a book! It has blogs! It has shag­ging! (Oh, it’s actu­ally shaggy, but who has ever let truth come in the way of say­ing some­thing vaguely sala­cious?) It has laughs! It has giggles! It has red noses! It comes in a fetch­ing shade of green! It fea­tures “blog celebrit­ies”, whatever they are, but more […]

Old Red Nose is back

I’d like to begin this entry by offer­ing up an undoubtedly offens­ive pic­ture of an alco­hol­ic. Why offens­ive? Well, because the image to the right of this text por­trays a clas­sic ste­reo­type of such a per­son and, as such, is neither big, nor clev­er, nor intrins­ic­ally funny. But in this case I think the pic­ture […]

Smile for the birdies

Last Wed­nes­day, I finally took deliv­ery of my Mac­book Pro. Five days on, I think I am finally over the worst stages of simply strok­ing its sur­faces and gaz­ing lust­fully at its con­tours. (You don’t want to know. You really don’t want to know.) Here, how­ever, is an illus­tra­tion of the some­what tra­gic depths to […]

They’re gonna put me in the movies

Today has brought some great news for the world of blog­gers, blog­ging and, indeed, blog­gery in gen­er­al. Hav­ing recog­nised the immense con­tri­bu­tion that I have made to pub­li­cising the web­log medi­um — thanks to the pub­lic­a­tion of my rather saucy book Belle de Désastre: Irrit­at­ing Adven­tures of a Lon­don Wastrel a couple of years ago, […]

Honourably swamped

It seems that I have won a prize for my blog­ging. A blog­ging prize, no less. No, not that one — since, in case you hadn’t noticed, although I may have behaved like quite the dirty little tart before the event, I have not said a word about it since. So it’s not the award […]