Archive for the Life and times category

01:36 and darkened bearings

My under­stand­ing was always as fol­lows, more or less: You spent your early 20s not really know­ing what you were doing, but that was okay because you didn’t really care that much as you were still young; In your late 20s to mid 30s you were find­ing your feet, estab­lish­ing your­self in life: in work, […]

19:35 and thumbing through thoughts

Giv­en the more the near ten years of writ­ing here, albeit with some long pauses, plus the five years of words that pre­ceded this place, the para­graphs provide few dis­tinct memor­ies. I wrote too many thoughts and not enough of whatever was hap­pen­ing — because, to be hon­est, most of the time very little happened. This place […]

21:56 and mixed letters

Right now, there are words I want to write here. And yet, even though there’s barely an audi­ence for this place (and thank heav­ens for that), I don’t dare. But I don’t dare to write the words to myself, either, to step away and put them down in a note­book or a text file, for fear […]

18:14 and electronic humming

I don’t know why I’m post­ing here. I’m feel­ing aim­less, uneasy. I want to relax, escape into a book, some music or a film, but I can’t unwind, can’t con­cen­trate. I don’t have any­thing to say, noth­ing to share, noth­ing new has happened. It’s just too quiet, I’m too tired to work, and I can […]

22:11 and beyond my years

Over the past couple of years, I’ve come to real­ise that I am as much still a child as I am an adult. Indeed, though many people could say this about them­selves, for me the two extremes seem miles apart. I am an adult. I am forty-four years old, but for at least thirty-five of […]

00:23 and dropped wires

Whatever pop­u­lar psy­cho­logy may say about the nature of the indi­vidu­al — espe­cially in these days when we’re each of us is fre­quently told that we are unique, spe­cial, dif­fer­ent — the truth is that a large part of who we are is defined by the people around us, the people with whom we com­mu­nic­ate […]

13:36 and two hours in, apparently

I, more than most people, real­ise that it’s only a date. Insig­ni­fic­ant. Just anoth­er day in the cal­en­dar. No more mem­or­able than any oth­er day, date or time. Just anoth­er twenty-four hours in my life, your life, all our lives. And yet I can’t help but feel emo­tions and fears more deeply today, try as I might to […]

16:03 and retracing evidence

I tried killing this place again by mov­ing it to oth­er host­ing as a test site. Rather hoped that it would van­ish in the trans­fer. It didn’t. I found myself won­der­ing how and where I’d communicate/remind myself I exist if it went. I genu­inely don’t know. Even more than so-called-nor­mal, this is a diary entry. All […]

17:43 and without propulsion

Very sens­ibly, I don’t drink alco­hol these days. Maybe once a year, if that. For that reas­on, because of the infre­quency, the res­ults are always dread­fully ugly. But, right now, I badly need to clear my head. My thoughts have been even more of a jumble this past week — if that’s pos­sible — and my reac­tions and […]

21:47 and disconnects at dusk

I just tried watch­ing a TV pro­gramme for about the first time in a month. Not only could I not con­cen­trate on it in the slight­est, but I found it almost phys­ic­ally pain­ful, both visu­ally and aur­ally. The bright col­ours, the noise. I worry about what’s hap­pen­ing to my once rel­at­ively act­ive mind that even […]

01:24 and the ice pick assassin

Today an old face, a famil­i­ar name, appeared in my inbox — a wel­come relief amidst the usu­al spam and work-related mes­sages. I genu­inely smiled in recog­ni­tion, felt a brief flick­er of some­thing the aver­age human with aver­age social con­nec­tions might feel — some­thing approach­ing warmth — before even this nas­cent flame was snuffed out in […]

00:53 and the debasement is complete

Just one more thought. If only because it scares me, naus­eates me and yet, well, I have a hor­rible, dark sense that some­where in my warped, dam­aged psy­cho­lo­gic­al make-up it com­forts me too. And I’m not sure I should try and sleep with such a thought in my head.  That per­son. Going back. That per­son. […]

00:02 and there goes another one

Site launched. 15-hour work­ing day. Exhaus­tion. Exhaus­tion but not think­ing. Not much think­ing, any­way. And as little think­ing as pos­sible is good. Yes? Is it? I don’t know. Part of me thinks so, part of me thinks not. I don’t want the thoughts, but I don’t want to be thought-dead either. (Or “thought dead”, but […]

09:46 and the same old new day

i real­ise that I’ve giv­en up on the concept of ‘the future’ as some­thing that offers poten­tial, unex­plored aven­ues, the pos­sib­il­ity of some­thing new round every corner. When I think about ‘the future’ I just see more of the present. Stas­is. Iner­tia. This.  This. This. And more this.  And don’t give me some hippy-dippy bull­shit […]

12:25 and put down your pens a while

I may have said this before — in fact, I’m sure I’ve said this before, though to be quite hon­est I can’t be bothered check­ing the recent archives — but as I near my mid-forties I find myself devoid of com­fort­able nor­mal­ity. Whatever that is. Oh, I have nor­mal­ity. Plenty of it. But it’s my […]

11:24 and gazing at the horizon

I think I would con­cur with the state­ment “you can’t miss some­thing you’ve nev­er had”.  Unfor­tu­nately, you cer­tainly can miss some­thing you’ve exper­i­enced even only on brief occa­sions dur­ing your life­time.  That’s sick­en­ingly frus­trat­ing and upset­ting. With child­like futil­ity, I wish the act of miss­ing depended on how much of what you’re miss­ing you’ve pre­vi­ously had […]

08:52 and bathing my eyes

The pil­low is damp. Dreams so real I wished to touched them, before they were pushed aside by night­mares that had no such hes­it­a­tion in lay­ing on their tight, clammy-handed touch. It’s clear I don’t sleep like the inno­cent. It’s clear I need sleep that turns off my mind.  And now more work. Must work. […]

10:09 and clutching the other

Maybe it’s time for a new per­son­al mod­us operandi built around Not Telling. At all costs, don’t tell. Keep your mouth shut. The cat isn’t always relieved to be let out of the bag. Some­times even the most faith­ful feline is — cruelly, without a doubt — best forced, yowl­ing and hiss­ing, into a refuse […]

21:36 and heavy with filth

I am cur­rently try­ing to main­tain a semi-respect­­able pub­lic per­sona, even as I give in to an urge to sub­merge myself in deprav­ity and dis­gust a while. I have hit new levels of vile­ness that shame me to the core. I should not think of events from thirty years past; I should not recall late-night, […]

Dated evidence, some barely remembered

Octo­ber 1984, hid­den behind a rur­al church July 1986, a scrubbed bed­room, writ­ing on the walls August 1989, a few scath­ing good­byes Janu­ary 1990, we all have our secret iden­tit­ies March 1993, ela­tion and a deaf­en­ing audi­ence Janu­ary 1998, now go and do some­thing Septem­ber 2002, car­pet, candles and for­get­table songs June 2005, too late […]