Archive for the Internal dialogues category

23:32 and hidden in bookends

[Con­fes­sion: I’m increas­ingly leav­ing mes­sages scattered across the web.] [Like this. In square brack­ets.] [You won’t find them, though. Because apart from being brack­eted, they’re also hid­den.] [Because I’m wary. Care­ful. With­drawn.] [In this way, I talk to every­one. And vari­ous someones. But also to no one.] [I babble to myself, under my breath, as I write […]

20:45 and this soul meets this body

It’s a real­isa­tion I’ve had before. Many times. It tar­gets me, dead on, and I see it slowly jour­ney­ing over the hori­zon, ready to break over my head and darken my skull. After its dawn­ing, its split­ting, its cas­cad­ing, it lingers for a time — I nev­er quite man­age to cal­cu­late the length of its stay […]

09:33 and strike a light

As with most nights, I don’t recall what I dreamt But this morn­ing I awoke with thoughts of arson My face flushed, my hands hot Clearly, I’d been rejoicing beside the fire I can barely, faintly remem­ber such warmth I felt almost human, feel almost… but no I want to be an arson­ist, that’s my goal […]

00:56 and this is what it is

And then. Then it des­cends. A silent scream. Suck­ing in air. Hand clutch­ing arm. Hand clutch­ing arm. The sew­er of thought. The well of what. Not know­ing where I am. Though I’m here. The mind is empty. Yet burst­ing with. This isn’t what I would call a life. Live inside me. You wouldn’t. You wouldn’t […]

21:05 and the day unfurled

I have drunk too much cof­fee today. Nev­er a good idea, espe­cially on a week­end. I start out assum­ing it’s going to help me work, help me con­cen­trate, help me drop back into work­ing for more hours than I should be work­ing (70-plus hour weeks are not uncom­mon at the moment). But it doesn’t. Instead, […]

21:01 and maybe it’s the heat

I am entirely out of energy — and that’s not just related to the heat­wave cur­rently roast­ing the UK; no, this is men­tal exhaus­tion lead­ing to phys­ical exhaus­tion — yet, curi­ously, I just man­aged to give myself a rous­ing speech, an invig­or­at­ing talk­ing-to, in which I told myself that I am going to fight. I […]

16:19 and almost circular jagged

I am in a vicious circle: need­ing to work to engage what little mind I have left and pre­vent it from spiralling (I am fail­ing woe­fully, as you can tell), but too tired to work because I have spent the past twelve days work­ing almost non-stop. Yet I’m too agit­ated to just sleep because my […]

23:22 and an uncaught fatal error

19:12 and throttled at source

No, you’re right, I don’t really have the words for it.

13:14 and undeserving granite

Pay me some lip ser­vice. You’re so good at that. But please, don’t bite this time. I have teeth­marks all over me. I genu­inely believe I don’t deserve any­thing oth­er than to be kicked, slapped, punched, beaten, pun­ished, hurt, raped, pil­laged, abused and, in the final act, doused in pet­rol and set alight. Burn me, […]

10:51 and scouting for normal

I dreamt of two num­bers, indi­vidu­als of the same shape and value, mov­ing towards each oth­er. They were intent, unstop­pable. I wanted to tell them to halt, dial them­selves back, reduce, sub­tract one and dimin­ish by elev­en, but I didn’t have the words to shout. Or the energy.  What’s the story there? List three appar­ently […]

A beginner’s introduction to EVOL

That plu­gin failed again. The one that’s sup­posed to keep An Unre­li­able Wit­ness from bar­ing its flabby, scarred arse to the world. I dis­covered this annoy­ing state of affairs because I was noti­fied about spam com­ments regard­ing Bul­gari­an jew­ellery. So as the facil­ity that has stopped me from writ­ing driv­el here is clearly broken, I […]

Who did this?

If I believed that a web­site could gain sen­tience, I’d say that mine — this clean white but ugly white one here — would have a devi­ous, manip­u­lat­ive one that just wanted to com­pletely fuck with my head. There’s sup­posed to be a hold­ing page here block­ing all access and dis­play­ing that over-long “bye for […]

Words I want to type here, but shouldn’t #2

I almost want to type the fol­low­ing ran­dom words onto this page: “It’s rain­ing. The sound, the swish of tyres soften­ing the incess­ant rumble of traffic on the busy road out­side, nor­mally soothes me to sleep. But not tonight. Tonight I’m full of ugly para­noia and sick­en­ing fear. I want out from the pris­on of […]

Words I want to type here, but shouldn’t #1

I almost want to type the fol­low­ing ran­dom words onto this page: “Let’s get shit­faced. Ser­i­ously. You, me, any­one else you want to bring. I’ll throw cau­tion to the wind and give you my address. Come over. Bring any­thing and everything to enable inebri­ation, intox­ic­a­tion, com­plete men­tal para­lys­is and utter pur­ging. Purge. Yes. Let’s drink […]

Mumbo jumbo hippy bullshit alert

(Look, don’t say the title didn’t give you fair warn­ing.) I have come to the con­clu­sion that I badly need to believe in some­thing. I now lack any sense of cre­dence in any­one, any­thing, any feel­ing, any emo­tion. God? No, he and I stopped see­ing eye to eye twenty-five years ago. I occa­sion­ally used to […]

23:01 sweltering confession

I miss the words. It’s the words I miss. Not mine, though. Not this time. Not right now, at this moment. I miss those too, of course — and I’ve expounded on that thought at length, like a stuck record. No, right now I miss the words of oth­ers. Even, per­haps, of an oth­er. Oth­ers […]

“Surely you either do or you don’t?”

In ask­ing myself ques­tions — every day, every single bloody day — I’m dis­cov­er­ing that I’ve attained a state of abso­lute clar­ity about my inher­ent vague­ness. A state of abso­lute vague­ness about my inher­ent clar­ity. I am one hun­dred per cent cer­tain of what I want and what I need. I have no idea what […]

Warning: entirely necessary language

A rare moment of praise before I berate myself. I am, genu­inely, a rel­at­ively kind and thought­ful per­son. I’m gen­er­ous too, though I’ve real­ised in recent years that my gen­er­os­ity too often reaches the level where it becomes a fault (and a fault that, in return, brings me mostly unfor­tu­nate long-term con­sequences). Even so, kind, […]

A study in social archaeology

I keenly sense my lack of his­tory. A shared his­tory, that is. I feel dis­con­nec­ted, without roots, lack­ing in com­mon frames of ref­er­ence built on moments exper­i­enced in the com­pany of oth­ers. At present, with the one or two people I occa­sion­ally see socially, I can only recount hours or days from a peri­od that […]