Archive for the Frustration category

21:09 and the simplest of actions

I’m so ashamed and embar­rassed by what I’ve just done that I don’t know if I feel as if I’ve been brave, or wheth­er I’m just sickened and naus­eated by my utterly pathet­ic weak­ness. I’m sorry you had to be involved. I should have stayed talk­ing to myself.

14:13 and scrubbing at flesh

I need to be rid of anger, genu­inely tor­ment­ing anger, for a while. Even if only tem­por­ar­ily, just to give me some space to breathe. The con­stant under­ly­ing fury in everything I do, think or (vir­tu­ally) say is mak­ing it near impossible for me to func­tion. The only way to make it cease is to switch off […]

21:49 and out of touch with reality

I could have been You could have been We could have been They could have been It could have been It all could have been Everything could have been Abso­lutely everything could have been You, me, they, it and everything I need a ‘will be’ or two I need a few wel­come cer­tain­ties Now The […]

21:45 and a green hue

Jeal­ousy. Envy is too kind a word, too soft and poet­ic a word. It doesn’t con­vey the full strength of what I’ve exper­i­enced today. Or the full hor­ror of the dis­taste I feel for myself. For today I’ve been over­whelmed, riddled, infes­ted and scarred by jeal­ousy. It’s filled me to the brim, to the extent […]

13:38 and all talk no talk

There are so many con­ver­sa­tions I want to have with you. Espe­cially you. But also you. And you. Even you. So many moments I want to share, too. The know­ledge that they may well nev­er — and in some cases, will nev­er — hap­pen fills me with an unas­sail­able sad­ness, a crush­ing empti­ness that’s so heavy I […]

17:08 and infernal silent ticking

I now hold — at arm’s length, dis­gus­ted and revol­ted, like a piece of vile, decay­ing flesh ripped from a cada­ver — the real, genu­ine fear of los­ing my mind to such a degree that I can no longer trans­fer thoughts into speech, that the stumble over words becomes an end­less fall, that any attempts […]

10:16 and an absence of tongue

First thing this morn­ing, work-related phone call. Cli­ents nor­mally com­mu­nic­ate by email, so this was a shock. Needed to have prop­er con­ver­sa­tion, but couldn’t find words and sen­tences. Tongue wouldn’t move, mouth wouldn’t shape. Lost power of speech com­pletely. Only unre­lated words came to mind — ‘dog’, ‘weath­er’, ‘microbe’, ‘ges­tic­u­late’, ‘broom’ and oth­ers I now […]

00:29 and you’re all talk

Go on, then. Babble, curse, cuss and dribble. Scream, shout, gabble, growl. Speak hushed or roar. Roar, bite, hiss, grumble. Go on. Do it. Go on all fuck­ing night for all I care. I’m bey­ond. I mean, yes, I can hear you. Of course I can hear you. OF COURSE I CAN FUCKING WELL HEAR […]

21:13 and the seethe of nations

I’m angry. Furi­ous. Pulsing with rage. Over what? What’s happened to cause this? Today? Noth­ing. That’s what. Noth­ing today. This is anger, fury and rage with no imme­di­ate cause, no mem­or­able start date and seem­ingly no pos­sible end date. It just hits. Every now and then. I become incap­able, phys­ic­ally and men­tally, due to the […]

22:48 and jabbering at the vicious circle

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? […]

13:53 and what what what

Ulti­mately, there doesn’t seem to be any dif­fer­ence between noise and silence when your head is both a mean­ing­less void and yet burst­ing at the seams.

23:22 and one last thought

Don’t ever desire any­thing. Espe­cially not warmth, com­pan­ion­ship and a few pre­cious moments of close­ness. No mat­ter how old you are. No mat­ter how much you miss them.  Go back to hat­ing. To hatred. It’s no good for you either, but at least the bile and loath­ing makes you scream louder. At least it makes […]

22:28 and listening to drunken passers-by

In my first few years liv­ing here, the con­stant noise out­side was com­fort. Traffic, sirens, people, all the rest. I would some­times let a thin smile cross my lips as I listened to the drunk­en men and women passing by five floors below my win­dow, usu­ally on a Fri­day or Sat­urday night, shout­ing or singing. […]

08:46 and plotting with matchsticks

I want to be able to leave my bed as soon as I wake, breathe in, pause, sur­vey, pick up, pro­gress, move on, achieve, suc­ceed, breathe out, sat­is­fy. Instead I lie there for an hour plot­ting the day’s strategies to avoid myself, my thoughts, my obses­sions, my memor­ies, my mind, my scabs and the cease­less […]

Radio on, radio off

I want to drive away. Even now, just after mid­night. Yet, tedi­ously, I can’t drive. I need someone who can con­trol a car without killing us both (not yet, any­way; I’ll seize con­trol of the accel­er­at­or should I get a sud­den urge to head for a brick wall). Would you be so kind as to […]

Lack of clarity

Just because every­one appar­ently has their own very per­son­al and deeply intim­ate exper­i­ence of the emo­tion, their own defin­i­tion of the term, that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish someone would sit before me, open that worn book with its scuffed pages, and explain it all to me in simple terms that even this fool […]

Binarism rules, absolutely

It’s been one of those week­ends where I’ve seen or heard the argu­ment that “with hard work, you can be any­thing you want to be and do any­thing you want to do” being preached rather too often on the web, in the media and, unfor­tu­nately, by indi­vidu­als from whom I’d expect a little less blinkered […]

Out of fiction

If you miss the stor­ies, the ideas pulled from corners, then com­fort your­self with the fact that I do too. In truth, I was nev­er any kind of writer, because the basis of every fic­tion I cre­ated was rarely any­thing but myself. Me: sieved, gran­u­lated and sprinkled over a sur­feit of adject­ives. I was always […]

Silence the noise of the silence

It’s nearly 2.00am. There is too much noise and too much silence. I always have too much noise and too much silence. I crave silence. Yet I crave noise. Crave silence. Crave noise. Silence. Noise. Silence. Noise. Silent noise. Noisy silence. Whichever and whatever. I am try­ing to lie in the middle of the bed […]

Decisions, decisions

(i) I need to make a decision. Uncer­tainty isn’t doing me, my fin­ger­nails or my tem­pera­ment any favours. (ii) Hav­ing long for­got­ten how to write cre­at­ively, I now also appear to have for­got­ten how to speak simple sen­tences. Not even cre­at­ively — no, just fac­tu­ally. In daily life. To oth­er people. The above two points […]