Part 18

Time for some plain truths.

It was exactly 18 months ago today — 4 Feb­ru­ary 2017, to be pre­cise — that I last left my home and went out­side.

That was also the last day I saw any­one or spoke to any­one bey­ond meter read­ers, gro­cery deliv­ery staff, mar­ket research­ers.

Acute agora­pho­bia.

I can barely open my front door any­more. I just can’t do it. I want to go out, I want to have some genu­ine com­mu­nic­a­tion, more than that — I genu­inely want to leave this pris­on, I don’t want to live here any­more, but I don’t know how. I don’t have the money I need to move. I don’t have the (simple?) where­with­al.

I feel I don’t exist any­more. Yes, I put words in places and in corners online — includ­ing this one, of course — but do they really exist? It doesn’t feel like it.

And when you feel as if you don’t exist, the sum inev­it­ably con­tin­ues: you don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be here any­more. I want to get out. But I don’t know how to achieve it.

Sui­cid­al ideal­isa­tion? Def­in­itely and unques­tion­ably.

How, though? How? I can’t go out and find a tall build­ing to leap from. Because I’m too chick­en shit ter­ri­fied. I can’t take an over­dose. Because I know that would go wrong due to the right quant­it­ies of med­ic­a­tion.

Plus, as much as I don’t want to be here any­more, I am fear­ful of lying in this place — this dis­gust­ing, dirty, unhygien­ic place — and rot­ting without dis­cov­ery for weeks, maybe even months. Which is pathet­ic.

A per­son who has not exis­ted for months and barely even com­pre­hends why they are still here is afraid of not exist­ing and not being here. Ridicu­lous.

This is why noth­ing makes sense any­more.

Wanted: one hit­man. One killer. One mur­der­er. You can have the address. My front door is unlocked. Come and do me in. Please. Come and fuck­ing well do me. I’m beg­ging. I’m des­per­ate.

I do not exist. It’s time to stop mak­ing this charade of mean­ing­ful exist­ence eke out its tire­some path.

Sorry all. Every­one. And any­one, if you’re still here. Which I very much doubt.

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